that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
