If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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