fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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