he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
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