Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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