I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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