I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
