id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Randomize
