mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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