The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
