Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
