Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
