I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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