i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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