I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
well most of my day revolves around power hour
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
