I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
