I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
