Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
