Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
