I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Randomize
