You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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