you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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