he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
How does it feel to date your dad?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
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