this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
