DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Sober January is a disaster.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
You are the jesus of drinking
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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