So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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