Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
