I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
