I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
