My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
