Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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