I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
