im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
