I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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