My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
