I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
