So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
