I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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