All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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