I wish my penis had an off switch
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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