You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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