God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
