Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
cat food counts as protein by the way
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
