I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Don't make out with my wife yet
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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