so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
