Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Randomize
