you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
