my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
a search helicopter?!
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
