She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
