My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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