I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
