Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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